1000 Ways
by My God Can Beat Up Your God
Summary: ...To Kill off Yuna. Death by paper, seizures, food products, battery acid, Harry Potter, allergic reactions... 100 percent Tikku, Aurikku, Barikku, Rippal, Wikku, Khimarikku, Noojikku... A continuing saga of... oneshots?
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy, or Yuna, thank Yevon.**

**Author's Note: **This was written when I had five hours of Saturday detention and was contemplating suicide. As I held the pen to my throat, I thought, why not kill Yuna instead?

**1/23/06 - **I updated all the chapters. Edited them, as in, looked for errors. Haven't actually POSTED all of them yet, though. I'm not _too_ bad at finding grammatical mistakes, but no one's perfect. If you see **any, **and I mean **_any_, **please tell me. I've got an OCD for fixing shit.

**---**

**The Prologue**

**---**

Yuna was walking down along side the Moonflow, smiling and breathing in the wonderful air.

"Oh, aren't these flowers just ever so lovely?" she sighed, picking up one.

Unfortunately, as Yuna touched the once beautiful violet flower, it withered and died.

"Oh, poopie," she sighed, unable to come up with any better insult since her vocabulary only consisted of 'Tidus, my love!' and 'Pretty!'.

**---**

Jecht, Braska, and Auron were in the middle of a burping contest when Tidus floated back down to the farplane.

Noticing his son and having gotten over the whole **'I love you son, sorry I died and was a horrible father, I'll get better I swear it'** cliche shit, Jecht was back to his old self.

"Hey cry baby," Jecht sneered, "We _just_ sent you back up to Spira, man. What the hell are you doin' back here?"

Jecht opted to leave out the fact that Tidus had whined and acted like a complete moron for two whole years until everyone in the farplanes was in an uproar. Seriously... better to let Spira deal with that hippy.

"It's Yuna," Tidus shivered. "She used to be all sweet and shit like that, but now, man - she's scary."

Braska's eye twitched. He was a little peeved - not at the fact that Tidus was dissing his daughter, but because it had taken the poor boy _that long_ to figure it out.

"You'd rather be eternally dead than stay in Spira with her?" Braska took a wild guess.

Tidus nodded. "You should hear her giggle, man. It's so disgustingly cute and innocent, you just want to wring her little neck-" His hands went up as he imagined his hands circling and caressing the tender skin of her neck - and not in a romantic way, either.

"Perhaps I should have killed her at birth," Braska sighed wearily. "I didn't know. By the time I realized how horribly sweet and demonically angelic my wife's daughter was-"

"You mean _your_ daughter," Auron rose an eyebrow.

"I swear she's not mine!"

"I'm bored," Tidus yawned. "Let's see how many ways we can come up with to kill her."

"YEAH!" The trio of old, lazy men clanked their beer mugs together and guzzled down some more Coors Light.

**---**

**Let The Games Begin - End Prologue**

**---**

**A/N: **Just so you know, the prologue isn't directly connected with any of the chapters. It's not like Yuna would magically come back to life every time I thought up a way to end her life... Hehehe...


	2. Death By Crucifixion

**Disclaimer: I do not own Yuna and/or Squaresoft.**

**Author's Note: **My first and shortest death of Yuna. Edited 1-24-06.

**---**

**Way #1 - Death by Crucifixion**

**---**

"Yunie!" A shrill voice called out.

Yuna turned around to face her incredibly hyper, I-want-candy-I-want-candy-Iwantcandy_GIMMECANDY_ cousin, Rikku.

"What is it, my dear, beloved, absolutely wonderfully beautiful cousin Rikku?" Yuna inquired, momentarily dropping her gardening tools and wiping her daisy patterned apron. (Poor flowers.)

Her cousin was jumping up - and down- and up - and down - up - down - up -down - Oh, screw it. Now she was just hovering two feet in the air.

"Look at this really big brown half torn up book with really small print!" Rikku screamed ecstatically and clicked her heels.

"Oh joy! What's the title, dearest?"

"T-thee... Pashen?.." The Al Bhed sounded out.

"The Passion?" Yuna's beautiful eyes fluttered delicately.

"Yes-yes-yes, oh yes! And I like, read it - sort of - and like, guess what? There is like, this _secret recipe_ on how to make you like, immortal!"

"Oh joy!" Yuna squealed, trying to copy Rikku's levitating antics but failing miserably. "Now I can run around Spira in my two inch shorts, flirting with my tattoo covered cousin and saving Spira with my super-cool guns over and over again!"

"Yay!"

"Yay!"

"YAY!"

And together the two cousins ran off to crucify Yuna.

**---**

**The Thunder Plains, Fifteen Minutes Later**

**---**

"Do you feel, like, immortal yet?" Rikku screamed against the pouring rain and deadly winds.

"No!" Tears stung Yuna's eyes, even though she was still smiling stupidly down at Rikku. Blood was dripping down her wrists.

"Hmmm..." Rikku leafed through the pages of the really-old-and-smelly-brown-book. "Aha!" Pause. "It says you have to wait three whole days first. Okay then, bye-bye Yunie!"

"Bye!" Yuna smiled.

**---**

**Three Weeks Later**

**---**

"Oh-my-gosh, oh-my-gosh, omigosh, I'm like, really sorry! I like, totally forgot!" Rikku heaved after running back to the Thunder Plains, trying to catch her breath.

Sadly, Rikku was too late - her cousin's body was decomposing by this point.

The funeral was held at the Thunder Plains, and the body was to remain erected as a symbol.

Unfortunately, a wild Chimera ate the remains.

Seeing this, Rikku squealed, "See! SHE LIVES ON!" And she chased after the Chimera.

**---**

**The End**

**---**


	3. Paper Cuts of Impending Doom

**Disclaimer: I do not own Squaresoft or Final Fantasy X-2.**

**Author's Note:** Thank you to all readers with a sense of humor, including Embrace-the-Darkness, Cute-Kitty, HypernatedRikku, Phychobabbler, AphroditanBanshee, Evil is Sexy, rikku-thief, R.C.Rob Chaos, Rikku of the Desert, Jetbunny, and Sensational Sista.

Edited 1-24-06.

**---**

**Way #2 - Paper Cuts of Impending Doom**

**---**

After a long hard day of doing absolutely nothing, Yuna leaned back on her uberly comfy chair and sighed. "I wish my life was more simple. It's not enough having everyone worship the ground I walk on... It's just not fair!"

Sob, sob. Then, "Oh, hey - I've got fan letters!"

Five whole letters. Not only did she fail to question how they arrived on her desk without even checking her mail, she also failed to notice the decapitated pictures of herself covering the envelopes.

"Hmm... Let's open the first one..."

_'ur lik soooo dum Yuna! SIN wil EAT u!_

_- Anonymous_

"Erm.. Okay, the second one..."

_'Yuna, _

_I regret to inform you that you suck serious ass._

_- Barala- erm, Bartholomew_

"Oy vey... I feel so loved... Next..."

_'Tidus and I had so much fun last night!_

_Just thought you should know._

_- Al Bhed Hottie'_

Yuna's eyes widened. "That - that - that poopie head!" Pause - then she smiled. "Okay, next!"

_'1m gun lik u suck N so ya SEYMOUR'S HOT!1!12681_

_- Seymey luber'_

"Does this say... Seymour?" Yuna gasped. "That poor soul... - Oh yay! One more!"

_'I luv jOO! haha im just jokin u no? XD u suck bye! N othr concert, yes? im gun boo jOO! hahaaahahaa-'_

Yuna sighed and tossed the hate mail carelessly back on her desk. "I saved the world! Twice! How could they treat me like this?" Sob, sob. "Oh well. They're just stupid letters..."

"Guess again, fool!"

Yuna's eyes whipped to the five pieces of hate mail. "What?"

The first letter, clad in disfigured pictures of Yuna and smeared blue ink, grinned. "We are here to teach you a lesson!"

One with hearts surrounding pictures of Seymour stepped up. "Yes, yes, yes indeed-y. The lesson is that, in fact, hate mail CAN kill you!"

"Muhahahahahaha!" The hate letters laughed triumphantly. "Paper Cuts of Impending Doom! POWER! Make-up!"

The letters started glowing and, after five minutes of intricate and pointless dancing, were clad in mini skirts of various colors.

"I am Sailor Paper Cut #236741!"

"And I am Sailor Paper Cut #468312!"

"And I am Sailor Paper Cut #976324!"

"And I am Sailor Paper Cut #836459!"

"And I am Sailor Sunshine!"

"And," together they shouted, "In the name of people who really suck, we shall maim you into millions of tiny little pieces, mix the chunks into homemade chili, and submit you into Sailor Moon's Annual Chili Cooking Contest! Bwahaha!"

Clearly not listening, Yuna clapped her hands together in delight. "They're just so cute in their eensy weensy little skir- Owwie!" Yuna's eyes watered as she stared at the new paper cut on her index finger.

"Muahahaha!" Sailor Paper Cut #976324 screeched. "You fell for our trap of cuteness!"

"SAILOR... PAPERCUT... POWER...!"

"Waaaa-aaah!" Yuna screamed as the Sailor Paper Cuts of Doom flew towards her, edges up.

Yuna was found the next morning, severely disfigured and sliced up. It was declared that Yuna had clumsily acquired so many paper cuts that she bled to death.

"Hey...!" Rikku giggled, picking up the blood-spattered letter formerly known as Sailor Paper Cut #976324. "She got mine!"

**---**

**The End**

**---**

**A/N:** One might wonder how a letter grins.

You're not alone.


	4. Rocket Launcher, Perhaps

**Disclaimer: I do not own Yuna.**

**...Oh, or squaresoft.**

**Author's Note: **Edited 1-24-06. Could you all do me a favor by informing me of any grammatical errors that I may have missed so that my OCD doesn't drive me to insanity and possibly homicide?

**---**

**Way # 3 - Rocket Launcher, Perhaps?**

**---**

Lights blasted into a billion colors as Luca stadium was being filled with Lady Yuna's fans. The crowds went wild as Yuna, in her sad copy of Lenne's songstress outfit, came skipping in on the stage, smiling.

"Hi everyone!" Yuna giggled as the rows of fans reached out to her. "I'm back! Due to popular demand, of course."

"Ahhhh!" The crowd roared in response.

Yuna momentarily was hit with a bout of sadness as she remembered that her cousin Rikku could not attend the performance.

_**---**_

**Flashback **

**---**

"Oh Rikku! I am going to have a concert tonight!" Yuna was positively batty over the CommSphere.

"Oh yeah, uh.. about that... I can't make it?"

"What?" Yuna batted her lashes, her eyes watering. "Why not?"

"Cause... Uhm.. I have cancer," Rikku coughed.

"Oh."

**---**

**End Flashback **

**---**

Wiping away a few stray tears, Yuna said, "Well, I am going to be singing 1000 words, just like at the Thunder Plains!"

Meanwhile...

Rikku sat hunched over, eyes glittering dangerously in an insanely, freaky, _must.. have.. blood.._ sort of way. Looking down from her hidden spot overlooking the stadium, Rikku clenched her rocket launcher possessively. She was softly singing a very different version of 1000 words.

_I know you're a stupid bitch,_

**Aim.**

_Using pretty lies to piss me off,_

**"Muahahahahaha!"**

_Your lies were total crap,_

_And crap has never fooled me,_

_Not in the past week,_

**Rikku temporarily dropped her rocket launcher to do _The Monkey_.**

_Save your tears 'cause I'll come back (with a chain saw, too)_

**Break dance - "Oh yeah!"**

_I could hear that you screamed as I guillotined your head,_

**Sheepishly grinning, she picked the RL back up.**

_But still I tried,_

_To hide the blood,_

_As I went to hide the body,_

**Rikku aimed - errr, re-aimed.**

_Cremation might have been the answer,_

_What if I hadn't stopped to buy that slurpee at K-Mart?_

_But now I'm not afraid to say what's in my heart..._

**Fire.**

"One... Two... Thre- Oh, look! A nickel!" The rocket launcher crashed to the ground as Rikku bent down to pick up the shiny coin.

The whole audience turned and faced Rikku's hiding spot. A little girl with blonde pigtails shouted out, "Oh, no! Yuna's jealous and spiteful Al Bhed cousin has plotted a malicious assassination attempt on our savior and, using secret Ninja techniques passed down from the Chowpungkailoochanghu family, is above us right now with a rocket launcher this very moment!"

The audience gasped.

Yuna smiled.

"Uh..." Rikku gulped. "Uhm.. That Yuna's a fake!"

"What?"

"KILL!"

And so the angry mob slash audience stoned Yuna to death with various carbonated beverages and junk food boxes.

Rikku was rewarded and thanked for unmasking the evil impostor.

**---**

**The End**

**---**

**A/N: **Kwee. On to the next... Erm, 997 ways... Thank you for the reviews. I'll take you off my KOs list.


	5. Happy Honey Vat of Excruciating Pain

**Disclaimer: Don't own Squaresoft, FFX, ect, ect, so on and so forth.**

**Author's Note:** At this rate, I should finish this story in about eight years, two-hundred sixty-three days, thirteen hours, and seven minutes.

Edited 1-24-06.

---

**Way #4 - Happy Honey Vat of Excruciating Pain**

**---**

"Time for a random battle!"

A narrator's voice (which sounded conspicuously like Seymour's) rang out as two Ahriman and a flan randomly appeared in front of our favorite trio, who had been taking a walk down the _tres tres_ highly fiend-infested region of the Calm Lands.

"Oh yay!" Yuna shouted gleefully, her eyes glittering dangerously as she glanced at Rikku.

Grabbing her garment grid, Yuna raised it triumphantly into the air and posed. "I challenge you to a duel!"

**--- **

**One Hour Later**

**---**

"Paaaaaiiiii-iiiiiinnneee?" Rikku whined while changing into her white mage dressphere for the 47th time, slightly panting. "What's the score?"

"347 transforms for Yuna, 323 for you," Paine's solemn voice rang out.

"Cred!"' Rikku cursed. "She never stops! It's like she's high on something!"

"Aaeeeaarrrruuuggghh," the two Ahriman cried out, their eye(s) widening as they watched Yuna with interest. It was against the Official Rules of the Fiends of Spira to attack an opponent whilst they transformed, so there they were. Sitting. (The flan remained silent; he had dozed off a while back.)

"..Ah, screw it. If I have to sit through anotherr dress change, I'll slash my _own _eye out," one of the Ahriman screeched as it launched a wave attack at Yuna, who was currently in the process of changing to a Trainer. Screeching half way through as Yuna was blinded, Kogoro ran away from the half-trainer Yuna, praising Yevon all of the way.

"Ahhhhhh! Nuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeeee! I'm blind!"

Paine's head shot up as Yuna screamed.

"Rikku?"

"Right, I got it!" Rikku grinned, leaping over to her pathetic cousin. "Here, Yunie!"

"Stop! Rikku, she's frickin' blind, she can't catch it, you idiot of an Al Bhed!"

"_THEN YOU CATCH IT!"_ Rikku chucked the eye drops carelessly at Paine, who nimbly caught them.

"Yuna," Paine applied the drops. Then…

"OH MY- AHHHHHHHHHH! MY-MY –EYE-EYE…!"

"Holy freaking…" Paine checked the contents of the bottle.

Turning to Rikku, she sighed and gave the Al Bhed a stern, parental glare. "Now, now, Rikku. Who replaced the eye drops with concentrated sulfuric acid?"

The blonde giggled sheepishly and ran away, with Paine playfully chasing after her while shouting, "_I'm gunna get-chu!_"

Meanwhile…

Yuna wandered aimlessly around the Calm Lands, the three fiends following her from behind as she roughly clawed out her eyes, whimpering pathetically to herself.

Unfortunately, before our beloved Ahrimans could finish her off, Yuna fell blindly into a conveniently placed vat of honey that had, somehow, randomly appeared in the centre of the Calm Lands. Frantically, the two Ahrimans tried to get her out, but they only succeeded in knocking over the vat.

And so, Yuna was slowly eaten alive by fire ants, while all of Spira secretly celebrated.

**---**

**El Endio**

**---**

**A/N:** My Spanish is superb. Ho hum.


	6. Insecticide Versus Exploding Heads

**Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy X-2. Three Cheers for death-fiction! **

**Author's Note:** Fwah!

I hope I didn't make it too long...

Most of them are shorter than this. Oh well. Wait... Maybe I should make a habit out of longer ones.

Nah.

Thank you for the reviews, peeps. Umm... Seeing as I'm aiming at 1000 (Which ain't gonna happen unless ... uhm... anyway), well, if anyone has any specific way they'd like to see her die... Out of hate / spite / malice or just for your own sadistic amusement, take your pick... Feel free to add to the hoard of ideas. Yee-haw. Via review.

Edited 1-24-06.

---

**Way #5 - Insecticide Versus Exploding Heads**

---

"Well, if it isn't my favorite High Summoner..." Gippal's husky voice rang out, causing Yuna to blush violently.

Wrapping an arm around the madly giggling ex-High Summoner and former Gullwing Yuna, the Machine Faction leader led her inside the temple, leaving behind a very pissed off Rikku, an ecstatic Tidus, and a dozing Paine.

"Oh, thank you, Yevon..." Tidus whispered fiercely while attempting a holy Yevon praising-bow-hand... thing. (As he called it.)

Rikku imagined her cousin inhaling anthrax bacterium and dying a very painful death.

_"Paine!"_ she hissed, roughly grabbing her friend's arm. Paine's eyes snapped open as she fell forward and gazed around, confused.

"Uhmm..." Rikku blinked. "Were you.. _sleeping?"_

"_No!"_ Paine vehemently denied. "Now, what is it that you want?"

"Yunie's being a shithead!"

Twelve pairs of Al Bhed eyes shot up and stared confusedly at Rikku, who glared and added a tough sounding _What're _you_ lookin' a?' _for good measure.

The Al Bhed girl preceded to stomp off angrily, muttering something about a 'prissy panced be-yotch' and a 'no-good, jelly-inhaling, marker-sniffing turd-burglar...'.

Paine leaned back against the wall and went back to sleep.

Footsteps echoed across the emptied halls of Djose temple, since everyone was currently lazing about in the cafeteria.

Nhadala looked around cautiously and lightly opened the door to Rikku's guest room (Yuna had insisted they stay for at _least_ a couple of days) and signaled someone behind to follow.

Rikku, on the other hand, was sitting cross-legged on her bed, humming to herself and stabbing a makeshift Yuna doll repeatedly with a broken toothpick when she heard her door open and slam shut.

Turning around, her eyebrows shot up. "Nhadala? W-what are you doing here?" Rikku sputtered. "And why are _they_ here?"

Behind Nhadala stood an assortment of female Al Bhed workers, most of them looking pretty pissed off.

Seeing Rikku's confused facial expression, Nhadala sighed.

"Look, Rikku," she started, "We both know that you have '_feelings'_ for Gippal, am I right?"

Rikku blinked.

"Well, it just so happens-" the other women stepped forward as Nhadala spoke, folding their arms and trying to look intimidating (and failing), "-that _we_ also think he's really hot."

Half of the girls swooned.

"And lately, Gippal's been paying close attention to... Yuna."

An angry outburst overtook the room as the women all convinced each other that _they_, of course, were much more attractive than _her. _

A look of understanding passed over Rikku's eyes.

"So, truce?" Nhadala held out a hand.

"Damn straight!"

**--- **

**The Next Day...**

**---**

Yuna walked to the steam rooms, humming innocently and very unaware that she was being watched.

"Na na na na.. la la la la la... Ah boom chicki chicki chicki boom, boom..." She stepped into the steam room, closing the door behind her.

"Okay, she's in! Are you ready?"

"Ready!"

"Let the hydrogen cyanide gas out, over!" Nhadala waited expectantly for a response through her walkie-talkie.

"Done!"

**---**

**Ten Minutes Later **

**---**

"Can we check yet?" Rikku tapped her foot impatiently. glaring around at the other girls.

"Not until Ada shows.. _there_ you are!" Nhadala nearly shouted as the Al Bhed entered the room.

"Okay let's see if we got her!" Ada clapped her hands and checked her gas mask. She walked over to one of the steam room doors and prepared to open it.

"Wait a minute," Rikku blinked. "She didn't go into that one."

"Uh-oh." Ada opened the door, took one glance at the male body sprawled on the ground, shut the door, and bolted.

"Retreat!"

**--- **

**Okay, A Little After That...**

**---**

"Hiya, Yunie!" Rikku giggled, punching her cousin in the arm playfully and _accidentally_ spilling her wine all over the floor. "Oh no! I'm so sorry! Yuna, don't be mad...!" Rikku's speech was let out at a hundred miles per hour, giving Yuna no time to comment. "I'm really sorry, here I'll go get you a new one, 'kay?"

Rikku sped off in the general vicinity of the bar. As soon as she was out of sight, she made a sharp left and was face to face with two other women.

"Okay, give this to her."

"It's filled with insecticide."

"Gotcha," Rikku winked, grabbing the drink and heading back over to Yuna.

"Here Yuni- huh?" Rikku was about to hand the cup to her when Gippal bumped into her, also handing Yuna a drink.

"Oh, I'm sorry Rikku, I didn't know you had gotten one for her... I happen to have your favorite, Yuna," He smiled.

"Ohhh!" Yuna giggled in an annoyingly sweet voice. "It _is_, isn't it?" She took the drink from Gippal.

"I'll take that from you, Rikku." A studly looking man came up and took the drink, causing Rikku to ogle instead of grab it back.

Unfortunately, before she came back to her senses, he had already downed half of the glass. Rikku backed up a few feet and whispered into her walkie -talkie, "...Leave. I repeat, EXIT!"

The majority of the Al Bhed women preceded to casually exit the room, starting slowly and ending in a run.

**--- **

**Just A Little Bit Later... **

**---**

"It's right over here... Home used to be so bee-auu-tiful back then, I'm sure Gippal said the pictures were out here..." Rikku happily led Yuna outside the back of Djose Temple, towards an old, abandoned shed.

As they got closer, loud, demonic screeching could be heard coming from the shed.

"I wonder what that could be?" Rikku's concerned voice rang out as she opened the door and pushed Yuna in ahead of her.

"Ahhh! AH! EEECH!" A possessed looking fury critter jumped repeatedly up and down, eyes glowing psychotically and oversized fangs hanging out of it's mouth.

"A monkey!" Yuna giggled and ran up to it, kneeling down and talking to it in a babyish voice.

"Ahhh, AHHH!" the squatter monkey launched itself at Yuna's face.

"Oh no!" Rikku mock gasped, "I think it's infected with rabies!"

"I don't have my dresspheres!" Yuna murmured worriedly. "Remember, you told me to leave it on the counter because I wouldn't need it-"

"I'll go get help, Yunie! Make sure it doesn't get out of here!" Rikku bolted for the door and left a dismayed Yuna with the rabies-inflicted monkey.

Rikku slammed the door shut and locked it, leaving for the others.

**--- **

**An Hour Later **

**---**

The women gathered around the shed, anxiously waiting for Nhadala and Rikku to tentatively open the door.

"Strange..." Nhadala commented, "I don't hear any demonic squealing, only- …is that someone sobbing?"

The Al Bhed opened the door to find a wailing, tear-stained Yuna clutching the bloody body of the now dead diseased monkey.

Looking at them, Yuna wiped a tear away. "I.. I couldn't save him!"

A shocked Rikku shut the door on Yuna and looked at the other Al Bhed. "Damn it."

The other Al Bhed blinked. "The monkey committed _suicide?_ You've got to be kidding me."

**--- **

**The Next Day ... Again.. **

**---**

"I can't believe it!" One of the women shrieked, pulling tufts of blonde hair out of her head and throwing it violently into the air. "She just won't freaking _die!_ The poison gas, the insecticide, the rabies..."

"I... give up."

The Al Bhed women stopped moaning long enough to watch Rikku slump to the ground in defeat.

"We can't beat her, you guys," There was a melancholy look in her eyes. "She's just... invincible. There's no hope."

"Oh, why? Why?" Nhadala burst into tears, staring up angrily at the sky.

With lowered heads, the girls entered the main temple area, a solemn look on their faces as they encountered Gippal with, who else, Yuna.

They're presence went by unnoticed, and they bitterly watched Gippal flirt with the embarrassed High Summoner. ("She's _faking!")_

"So, sweets..." Gippal slid a hand around her waist.

Yuna's face turned pink.

"What do you say we, uh..." His hand ever so slowly inched up her torso.

Her face changed into an incredibly vibrant shade of red.

"Heh.." Fondle, _GRIP._

Red, violet, purple, blue...

Yuna's head exploded.

As the rest of her lifeless body dropped to the ground, Gippal wiped her blood off of his face and sighed. Now who was he going to molest? She was the only one who wouldn't sock him one.

He finally noticed Rikku standing roughly ten feet away, looking shocked, ecstatic and furious all at the same time.

"Well, if it isn't Cid's Girl..."

**---**

**The End**

**---**

(As the credits roll, you hear the loud _vroom_ of a chain saw, Rikku's maniacal laughing and Gippal's desperate pleas and prayers for salvation.)


	7. Bomb Implants and Dastardly Deeds

**Disclaimer: I do not own Yuna - Erm, I do not own Final Fantasy X / X-2.**

**Author's Note: **Hola mi amigos. Thank you for your reviews and suggestions, and I promise that I will make sure to add the following:

A Caesar-like death

Being eaten by Rhonsos/Guados

Some form of cheese-oriented death

Remote-controlled Chocobo

Arsenic

Electric-Chair

SQUISH! -**squishes**-

Frisbee (S.Sista)

Edited 1-24-06.

**---**

**Way #6 - Bomb Implantations and Dastardly Deeds **

**---**

"Yuna Braska? A female voice called out from behind the counter.

Yuna's head jerked up at the sound of her name and she abruptly stood up. She made her way to the counter, stepping on her _magically appearing in less than two years_ braid only twice.

"Follow me," the attendant's bored voice rang out, her hand motioning for Yuna to come. "Room A6. All the way in the back."

Smiling, giggling, and apologizing profusely to the carpet for tripping over it, Yuna made her way out of the lobby into a long hall with many doors leading to surgery rooms.

Her birthday had been yesterday, and her wonderfully perfect fiancé - okay, so he hadn't actually proposed yet - had gotten her the most wonderful gift.

**---**

**Flashback **

**---**

Yuna excitedly opened her final gift - a measly little card with the words _'To Yuna, from Tidus'_ on the back of the envelope. She read:

_Spira's Finest Rhinoplasty _

_Thank you_**Yuna Braska**,_ for scheduling an appointment with the best surgeons in Spira. Please show up at _**10:00 A.M**. _on _**Friday**_ for your FREE nose job, paid for courteously by _**Tidus**.

**--- **

**End Flashback **

**---**

Oh, he was just he best almost fiancé anyone could have ever, ever, ever asked for!

"Miss Yuna! You're going through the wrong door!" A woman with unkept brown hair grabbed Yuna and swept her from the room 'A6' to what Yuna could have sworn was room 'B2457667', but she supposed she must have just heard the attendant wrong.

As she was bustled in and set down on the nasty, crinkly paper on the examining table, Yuna vaguely recognized the voice of her mindlessly chattering nurse.

"Shelinda... Is that you?" Yuna blinked curiously. "Oh, wonderful! You would look great with a nose job too-"

"Uh, no, no!" Shelinda said hurriedly. "My name is uh, Sheblanka.. I-I mean Susie!"

Before Yuna could reply, another nurse walked in, who she immediately recognized as Lucil.

"Hi, my name is Lucy and I'll be administering the anesthetics!" The new nurse giggled excitedly.

Yuna immediately dismissed the idea of it being Lucil - although it clearly was - because Lucil usually acted like she had a stick inserted up her ass.

"I thought _I_ was administering the anastetic stuff-" Shelinda whined quietly, clearly confused before Lucil dragged her out of the room.

A minute or so later, a content looking Lucil and a very startled looking Shelinda returned to room B2.. _something_.

"Alright, Yunie-kins!" Lucil giggled, reaching into a random drawer and pulling out a tool, "We'll just slip this mask on.." Realizing that she had not grabbed the mask, she stuffed the tool back into the drawer and opened a different one, giggling a little harder.

"Umm, shouldn't you, like, put gloves on...?" Yuna's eyes darted nervously.

"Oh, silly!" Lucil gave a flaky laugh. "Gloves are for Yevonites!" She rolled her eyes.

"Oh! Here we go!" Lucil eventually found the mask, which looked very menacing to our dear little Yuna. "So we just.. like.. put this on.. umm.." She pushed it lopsidedly into Yuna's face. "No wait.. maybe like this..."

Eventually Lucil gave up. "Hey Shelinda, maybe we should just administer the anesthetics through a shot."

"Right on it, _Lucy!"_ Shelinda winked stupidly and began rummaging through supplies looking for a needle. Eventually she found a somewhat dirty looking one lying on the floor, which had apparently fell out of the trash can.

"Here we go!" Shelinda happily grabbed it.

"Hey," Lucil looked concerned. "We just used that on Jim Bob. You know, the guy infected with HIV?"

"Oh." Shelinda paused, looking at the needle curiously. "Well, it looks clean to me!" She smiled.

Shelinda readied the medicine before shooting Yuna with it.

"Eaarrrgh..." Yuna mumbled wearily, looking around the room before passing out.

**--- **

**A Few Minutes Later **

**--- **

"Wheel her in! Muahahaha!" Rikku, dressed in white and looking like a very well respected plastic surgeon (minus the whole _hunched over like some evil scientist_ thing she had going on), screamed out.

"We're ready, we're here..!" Shelinda squealed, attempting to copy Lucil's salute to Rikku. "We did everything you told us to, we informed Sir Tidus about our plans and caught her on the way to the room, and-"

"SILENCE!" Rikku screamed.

Shelinda shut up.

"Now, we all know that Yuna is going to have another concert _very_ soon, correct?" Rikku eyed her two accomplices warily.

Lucil and Shelinda nodded.

"Good. What I - what _we_ need to do..." Rikku picked up a small, circular object from the table. "...Is insert this bomb into her brain. Then, while she's singing that retarded song, oh, what was it..?"

"Oh, Oh! I know! It's called '_Sk8er Boy_', your Grace!" Shelinda chirped.

"Yes, well, whatever Sheblanka... anyway..." Rikku dismissed Shelinda's words with a wave of her hand. "When she is in the middle of that ridiculous song... KABOOM! Her head will _explode!_ MUAHAHAHAHA!"

"Muaha..hahaha..!" Lucil and Shelinda attempted to copy Rikku's evil laugh.

Suddenly, amidst all of the maniacal giggling, Brother flew through the door, screaming, "I'LL SAVE YOO YUNA...!"

Before Rikku could react, Brother had already tripped over the surgery table and crashed through the window down a seven story drop.

There was a short pause as the three women took in the slight interruption.

"Continue with the operation!" Rikku ordered in an evil, psychotic voice.

Unfortunately for the trio, Rikku had no idea as to what she was doing and ended up leaving Yuna's head in a vandalized, bloody mess instead of implanting a bomb.

Shelinda and Lucil were left dragging the sobbing Rikku out of the surgery room, for another one of her dastardly deeds had been foiled yet again.

Sort of.

**---**

**The End**

**---**


	8. Porcelain Dolls and Battery Acid

**Disclaimer:** I hope nobody gets offended easily. ...Scared you for a moment, nyuk-nyuk?

**Author's Note: **Me-yow. Thank you EVERYONE for reviewing and adding to my already largely inflated ego - and I definitely will have Yuna die by chainsaw and Samara sometime or another.

Edited 1-24-06.

----

**Way # 7 - Porcelain Dolls and Battery Acid**

----

On yet another bright, sunny day in the Calm Lands, Spira's ex-Gullwing, Summoner, hero of the world, ect, ect. was gracefully propped up in the grass, wearing a sun dress and a straw hat, sitting on her old Sesame Street blanket. That could only mean one thing: Yuna was having her annual tea party slash picnic in the fields, complete with Pretty Penny and a few of her home made Tidus plush dolls.

"-..So I said to him, 'How could you buy me this? You _know_ I look horrible in blue!' and he just sort of stared at me, with this weird expression, like he was trying to say, 'Yeah. Duh. That was the point.'...-" Yuna's endless chatter raged on, and even though she had endured the Summoner's girl talk annually, Pretty Penny's porcelain head felt like it was going to explode.

The little doll did the only thing she could do. With her big, blue, plastic eyes, she looked up at the endless sky and prayed that if there indeed was a God, he would pity her and strike Yuna to death with a bolt of lightning.

As if answering her calls, Harry Potter suddenly appeared out of seemingly no where, looking a bit startled; apparently this was _not_ the location he had intended and he royally sucked at Apparation. Anyhow, Harry regained his composure and proceeded to point his wand menacingly and roar, "Today you die, Voldemort!"

The man slash _thing_ named Voldemort appeared a second later in a black cloak, appearance resembling that of Gollum on steroids. "Thou words affect me not, Oh Chosen One!" he brandished his own wand.

Yuna looked at the two with slight interest, munching on her home made banana nut bread and sipping her tea, occasionally force feeding one of her dolls.

Tired of dueling with words, Voldemort waved his stic- erm, _wand_ and shouted, "_Abra Kadabra_!"

Harry meekly dodged the swarm of purple confetti that had flown towards him, and sent his own spell out immediately afterwards.

"_Alakazam_!" Harry screamed, aiming at Voldemort and missing by a good ten feet, turning Pretty Penny's tea cup into a bowl of nacho dip.

"HAH!"

**--- **

**Meanwhile**

**--- **

You are zoomed into the back of Snape's head, who is sitting a very menacing looking chair, watching everything on a screen in front of him, absentmindedly stroking the Persian cat on his lap.

"Good, Fluffy. Everything is going as planned. Your idea to slip a love potion into that insolent woman's tea, thus causing Voldemort and Harry to be infatuated, was ingenious! They will soon be out of the way and _we _can rule Spir- I mean Earth! Muahahahahaha!"

Fluffy just thrashed his off-white tail and stuck up his nose.

**--- **

**Back to the Tea Party**

**---**

"You won't get away with your dastardly deeds, Voldie!"

"Don't call me Voldie! _Anti-repairo_!"

Harry's glasses immediately snapped in half.

"Damn you, Voldemort!" Harry waved a fist in the air while his alter eg- erm, _arch nemesis_ laughed evilly.

"You're finished, _Potter_," Voldemort pointed his wand at the black haired boy in need of a brush, "_Crucio!"_

Dramatic pause.

"..Erm," Voldemort shook the wand a few times before trying again. "...Crucio!"

"..." Harry coughed embarrassingly.

".._CRUCIO...!"_

Harry rose an eyebrow.

"God _damn _it!" Voldemort frowned. Very much annoyed, he turned over the wand and opened up a small compartment. Shaking it furiously, he dumped out two AA batteries.

"DAMN YOU, ENERGIZER BUNNY!"

At almost that precise moment, Voldemort was rudely awakened from his period of mourning by being bitten - hard - by an abnormally large pink bunny in black Oakleys, banging a battery drum in an annoying rhythm.

"Excuse me!"

Harry, Voldemort, and the Energizer Bunny's heads all snapped in the direction of Yuna's annoyingly high-pitched squeal.

"Would you like some tea?"

Voldemort stared at her for a moment before looking away and shrugging.

Harry gaped at his enemy. "But what about our fight?"

Voldemort yawned. "Eh, it was something to do." He preceded to take a seat next to Yuna on the picnic blanket.

"Oh well..." Harry sat down next to Yuna as well.

**--- **

**Five Minutes Later**

**---**

"...-So I was like, 'How could you do that to me?' and that no good cousin of mine just shrugged and said, 'I've wanted that dress for _soooo_ long, it wasn't my fault it was the last one-..."

It had only been a couple of minutes and Harry Potter and Voldemort had already put their differences aside, teamed up and attempted to discover a way in which to get Yuna to shut her abnormally large mouth.

Twitching his eye, Voldemort reached down and grabbed his tea cup, taking a large sip of ... damn, that was some good tea...

"...-then she was all like, 'why are you such a-...' Wha-" Yuna's tirade came to an abrupt halt and she was, in all honesty, jump-tackled by the Dark Lord.

_"My love!"_ Shouted Voldemort passionately, _"Where hath thou been all my life?"_

Yuna looked up, blinked, and then giggled helplessly. She turned after a moment when she noticed that Harry Potter was in a similar position with the Energizer Bunny, embracing him lovingly.

_"Thou pink fur is like a delicate Pansy!"_ Harry's eyes sparkled endearingly.

Yuna was dazzled by this show of affection when her own eyes caught those of the Energizer Bunny, and all other thoughts left her.

"_My… Love…" _Her eyes were replaced with big, shiny hearts as she edged towards Harry and the Energizer Bunny, pushing Voldemort flat on his face.

Unfortunately for our bedazzled Yuna, the Energizer Bunny was a very Anti-Yuna mammal and was in cahoots with Yevon, who also hated her. Passionately. The Energizer Bunny, upon Yuna's arrival, preceded to vomit up battery acid all over her being and pelt her to death with double AAs.

---

**The End**

---

**A/N: **Nothing's better than liking something and _still _being able to rip on it.


	9. Devious Traps, Scythes, and Frisbees

**Disclaimer: **I do not, in any way, shape, or form, own Final Fantasy X-2.

**Author's Note: **I'm really sorry that I managed to disappear for .. uh.. for a really long time. Thanks for all the reviews! I'm really happy to have hit 100.

Okay, this chapter is dedicated to Sensational Sista, and I'll be doing the rest of the ideas... err... someday... but really! _SOME DAY._ I'll get around to it, I promise...

----

**Way # 8 - Devious Traps, Scythes, and Frisbees**

----

_Besaid Island. One o'clock, PM. _

It was a beautiful day. The sun was shining, the water was flowing, the wind was blowing, the birds were singing. Besaid was as lovely and fantasmical as ever.

Well, except for the thousands of deviously placed strings covering the island.

"Are you sure this is gonna work, Rikku?"

"Of course! When have I ever failed you?"

_A cricket could be heard chirping in the distance._

"Explain the plan to me again?"

Rikku's face glowed. "Well..." Deep breath.

_---_

_**Five Minutes Later**_

_---_

"...and _that_ string is attached to a cone-shaped bowl - well, it's more like a pyramid, or a fifteenagon - anyway, that'll knock over, sending down a dime-sized marble, which will then roll through a series of intricately crafted twists and turns, circling around Besaid..."

_---_

_**Five Minutes Later**_

_---_

"...and then _that_ will hit a heptagon-shaped switch, which will then set off a series of chain reactions resulting in an abnormally large scythe coming down from above Yuna and beheading her! SNAP!" Rikku gave an incoherent cry of joy and started clapping ecstatically. "It's _Coyote and the Roadrunner_, only way more simple!"

Paine yawned.

_"Yuuuunnniiee!"_ Rikku's squeaky voice sung out, ending a loud, ear splitting screech.

"Coming, Ree-nee dahling!" Yuna shook an imaginary speck of dust off of her two inch shorts, and stepping over another awkwardly placed string, (which were, as you may recall, set up randomly about all of the island), the gunner trudged through the muddy waters of Besaid's outskirts. You know, the part of the island that's _not _sparkling and absolutely beautastic?

(With the exception of Wakka, the Red-Haired Wonder's hut.)

Oh, phooey. I guess they cut that part of the island out of the game. Ahem! Moving onward.

"Rikku..." Yuna panted, gazing up at her cousin, a confused expression dawning her features. "Why'd you want me to meet you all of the way out here...?"

"Oh, no reason, I- _Ahhh! Oh no!_ Gravity is increasing on me!" Rikku toppled over Yuna, successfully causing her to trip over several strings.

"_No_! My hair! It's all _muddy!" _Yuna screeched while attempting to hold her braid out of the mud.

"Quick! Get up, you!" Rikku hissed, a disturbing smile etched across her face as she heard the _click, thump, tick, tick, tick _of her devious traps at work.

"Stand... here!" Rikku pushed Yuna back into the mud.

"Here?"

"No, a little more to the right."

"Oh, okay. How about now?"

"Perfect!" Insert happy Al Bhed grin here.

"Yuna!" A male voice called out.

_Yep, everything was going swell... Wait, male voice?_

"_TIDUS!" _Rikku gaped. "What are _you_ doing here?"

"I- Yuna, watch out!" Tidus ran forward, everything suddenly in slow motion. "_NUUUEEEE!"_

He jumped in front of his... _love_.

_Thud._

With a swift burst of wind and a sickening crunch, Tidus's head was cleanly removed from his neck, rolling a few feet before being joined on the floor with the rest of his fallen body.

Worriedly, Lady Yuna stopped her incoherent blabbering for a moment to see if her snookums was alright.

"Honey, are you okay?"

She picked up a stick and poked Tidus's limp form. "Well?" Poke, poke. "...Honey?"

A disappointed looking Rikku protruded Yuna's vision, an angry scowl set upon her face.

"He's _fine,_" she said huffily, dismissing him with a careless wave of her hand, upset that her brilliant plan had gone amuck.

"Well, that was a complete failure," Paine commented, appearing out of seemingly nowhere and causing Rikku to jump. "Now it's my turn."

---

Yuna arrived at the Calm Lands the next day after having been invited for a game of foursquare and tag by Paine.

"Where is she?" Miss Summoner sighed, whipping around her braid and successfully backlashing (**A/N: **"_BACKLASH WAVE!") _a nearby tree.

"Rikku!" Yuna gasped as the Al Bhed appeared, tears springing to her eyes at the unexpected arrival of her dear, beloved cousin.

"Yuna!" She ran towards her cousin with outstretched arms.

"Rikku!"

"YUNA!"

"RIKKU!"

"Now!"

"Huh?"

"Yuna, catch!" Paine yelled, coming from behind Rikku, carrying a frisbee. She threw it.

"Okay!"

A gasp of surprise could be heard as she fell headfirst off of the Calm Lands' cliff. A good twenty seconds later, a dull _thud_ followed.

Rikku blinked.

"Well," Paine murmured, "That was easy."

---

**The End**

---

**A/N: **Fifteenagon is _so _word.


	10. Samara, The Ring, and Chain Saws

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Final Fantasy, Square-Enix, Yuna, The Ring, Samara, or even a measly chainsaw. Life... Don't talk to me about life. (Oh, nor do I own "The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy.)

**Author's Note:** Hola. This chap's dedicated to Shadray for, you know, the whole _SAMARA_ thing. Sorry, but I forgot the hair-insult-ness. Oh well! v.v. Thanks for all the reviews! Heh.  
I promise this story will never go dead, even when I'm way over FFX and obsessed over a new _something_ temporarily (which is currently Inuyasha). I'll always have a need to write a gruesome death scene as stress management.

* * *

**Way #9 (I think)- Samara, The Ring, and the Chain Saw of Doom**

* * *

It was another bright, sunny day in the Calm Lands; perfect temperature, no wind and tons of birds chirping. Stupid, annoying, flying rodents.

But alas, God's efforts were in vain, for Spira's savior was not in vicinity to enjoy the fruits of His labor.

The trio of bad fashion and even worse one-liners were currently vacationing out in a luxury cabin in the middle of no where. Namely, off of the somewhat limiting map of Spira that no one ever bothered to expand.

The real truth of the matter was that Rikku and Paine had gone on a vacation and that Yuna had followed them like the little lost puppy she was. Except, generally, puppies were a lot cuter.

"You two ready?" Paine asked, carefully setting the Resident Evil 2 DVD into the disc drive.

"Damn straight we are," Rikku plopped herself onto the couch, grinning excitedly.

"This is _so_ juvenile..." Yuna sighed from across the room, joining the other two on the couch. "This movie has _no_ plot."

"Yeah... so?" Paine blinked.

Yuna glared at the warrior. "It's rated R for _nonstop _violence."

"wOOt!" Rikku and Paine high-fived each other.

"What the hell is '_woot_'?" The gunner threw up her hands.

Everyone ignored her.

"Quick! The movie's starting!"

All eyes were glued to the screen. The girls—well, two of them anyway—were understandably disappointed when, instead of seeing that one chick from _Fifth Element_, they were confronted with a silent, black and white film of a ladder and some other shit that no one cared about.

The Gullwings blinked.

"Why the fuck is this in black and white?" Paine gritted out.

There was silence.

"...Are those bugs?" Rikku tilted her head.

"Cheap ass movie industry," Paine leaned back into the couch.

"Hey, Yunie?"

"Yeah?"

"This movie sucks," the blonde pouted.

"Turn it off! My eyes are starting to burn."

"..Paine, you're not even looking at the screen."

Yuna stretched and rose from her seat, opting to just turn off the television instead of stopping the movie.

She pressed the power button.

The TV turned back on. Everyone blinked.

Reasonably pissed, Yuna grabbed the remote and turned the TV back off. It popped back on a few seconds later.

Off. On. Off. On. Off. On.

"Hey, Yunie?"

"What!"

"Your TV sucks."

"_You_ suck," Paine interjected.

All three of the girls sighed, sat back, and surrendered to the will of the almighty television, watching the clip and occasionally making comments about how lame it was. When it was over, Paine spoke up.

"Hey... Isn't this that one movie where someone calls you on the phone afterwards and says _'Seven days...'_?"

"..I don't have a phone," Yuna cut in.

"Oh."

"_Spira_ doesn't have phones."

"Yeah, but remember, we're not in Spira anymore. We went off the map."

Yuna and Paine stared at Rikku for a moment.

"Oh yeah."

The doorbell rang.

"Someone go get that."

No one moved.

Rikku sighed. "Alright. Let's play for it. If you're name's... _Yuna_, then you lose and have to go open the door. Okay, so what's your name?"

"Paine."

"Uh-huh, and my name's Rikku... and what's yours?"

"Yuna."

"Awww, I guess you lose. Go open the door."

Yuna stuck out her bottom lip, pouting, and left to greet their surprise visitor.

"Dude... thank God for stupid people."

"No kidding," Paine cracked her knuckles.

* * *

"Hello!" Yuna smiled brightly at the old, pot-bellied man at her cabin's door.

"'Ello, lady. Dun know who ye are, but I was jes watchin' some_ American Idol_ when me phone rang, an' this 'ere voice asked me ta give ye the phone."

"Oh." Yuna grabbed the phone from the man and said into the receiver, "Hello, this is Yuna Braska, former summoner and self-proclaimed savior of Spira speaking."

"..._Seven days-_ oh, hey, did you say _Yuna?"_

"Mmhm."

"..Can I have your autograph?"

"Sure!" She chirped.

"..Alright, be there in a sec." The whispery, enigmatic voice ended the call with a faint click.

* * *

**7 Minutes Later**

* * *

"All-righty then, here you are!" Yuna's smile brightened even further as she handed her new happy-happy-joy-joy friend Samara her autograph.

Rikku and Paine had just sat back and silently watched as Yuna had bounced back into the room and a drenched, scary little girl had come out of the TV from inside of a well, holding a Disneyland autograph book.

".._Thanks, Yuna.." _Samara took the autograph from Yuna, instantly drenching it in the well water dripping off of her hand, and placed it inside her book next to Mickey Mouse, Snow White, and Barbara Streisand's autograph. (Another unfortunate victim of Samara's.)

Tossing the book back into the TV, Samara gave a very evil, very disconcerting grin. "Alright then. Back to business."

She retreated back into the television set for a moment, only to come out seconds later carrying a very large and shiny looking chainsaw.

"Hey... That's new," Paine grabbed another handful of popcorn.

Yuna took a step back. "W-wait! What happened to my seven days?"

Samara shrugged. "Seven days, seven minutes... I'm just a kid."

The chain saw _vroomed _to life.

"GAH!"

Blood splattered all over the room.

There was silence.

Samara gave a loud, jaw splitting yawn. "I think it's time for a nap."

Yuna's corpse hit the floor as Samara retreated back into the television for good, dragging her chain saw across the carpet and leaving a trail of blood in its wake.

"Didn't we watch the movie too?" Rikku pondered aloud.

"Hey, I'm not complaining."

There was a slight pause.

"Shit!"

Rikku was stunned into silence for a moment. "What?"

"Now there's blood all over the carpet."

"I'm not paying for it," Rikku stretched her arms and stood up. "Let's bail."

"Works for me."

Rikku and Paine exited the cabin, leaving Yuna lying in a pool of blood in front of the TV.

* * *

Eventually, Yuna's body was properly put to rest and everyone was very distressed.

Mostly about the bloodstains on the carpet.

* * *

**The End**


	11. Time Travel is 1337

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Final Fantasy, Squaresoft, Halo 2, or... yeah, basically anything.

**Author's Note:**

_Calm Land battle_

Rikku: (:_reflects sunlight off of blades_:)  
Rikku: SHINE THE LIGHT INTO YOUR EYES!  
(:_Coeurl is blinded and wanders off in frustration_:)  
(:_other Coeurl follows out of boredom_:)

* * *

**Way #10 - Time Travel is 1337

* * *

**

In the Celsius, there was silence.

Mostly because Brother was asleep and Rikku was no where to be found.

Buddy was seated in the back with Shinra, the two of them engaged in a heated Pokemon card duel that had been going on for hours.

"Attaching a water card to Blastoise! End turn!"

"Caterpie, tackle!"

"I win," Shinra grabbed one of Buddy's prizes.

"_Fryd_! Tackle doesn't do 1200 damage!"

"Molecular reconstruction of a card isn't an illegal move."

Buddy threw up his hands.

* * *

AHEM... Anyway.. moving on to something people care about...

* * *

That left Paine and Yuna, standing in the middle of the bridge, idly staring around the room. 

After about twenty or so minutes of posing and yawning and glaring and whatnot, Paine sighed. "Don't you have anything to say? A comment on my hair? My outfit? _Anything_?"

Yuna gave out an indignant huff. "I'm an altruistic hero, not a conversationalist. That's what my guardians were for."

"What, to keep the storyline from boring everyone to death?"

"Basically. Tidus and Wakka _were_ comic relief, after all."

"I hate to break it to you, but you don't have guardians anymore."

Yuna sighed. "I know. Now I mostly just mimic everything Rikku says."

"That would explain the complete one-eighty your personality took from FFX."

"I'm a follower, not a leader," the gunner conceded.

"Wait... what?"

Moments later, in which Paine's brain was working in overdrive and Yuna was smiling prettily at a wall, Rikku burst through the doors.

"Oh my GOD!"

Paine rubbed her temples. "Rikku, cut the crap."

"And the extra exclamation points," Yuna added.

Rikku stopped jumping (which in turn caused the Celsius to stop shaking) and crossed her arms. "Meanies. Now I'm not gonna tell you what I found!"

"The disappointment is killing me," Paine yawned.

After a moment or two, Rikku decided to give up on her vain attempt to draw an apology out of Paine by pouting. "Did you know that on wikipedia, it says that I'm bisexual, in love with Paine, and attracted to Lulu, Yuna, Auron, Wakka, Tidus, and Kimahri?"

"Thank you for that wonderful batch of information, Rikku. I'll be sure to lock that away and avoid you for the rest of my natural life."

"No problem, Paine."

"Is that all you were yelling about?" Yuna frowned.

"Nope. I've created...a _time _machine."

Yuna and Paine blinked.

"It was the damndest thing. I was just mixing two potions together when an antidote fell in, and there it was."

"Two potions and an antidote make a time machine?"

"Mixing is _so_ FFX," Yuna rolled her eyes.

"You guys want to see it or not?"

"Uhhhh..."

* * *

**An Hour Later in Rin's Travel Agency

* * *

**

"Rikku?" Paine asked, "why is it that the time machine is at Rin's?"

"Well... I asked him to help me move it, you know? But he just brought it here."

"I see."

"I think he was trying to steal it," the Al Bhed added as an afterthought.

"Sleazy bastard," Yuna _tsk_ed, fluttering her eyelashes.

The time machine was like nothing the Spirans had ever seen before, with all its high tech gadgets and gears and shiny buttons. To us, however, the time machine would have looked an awful lot like a human-sized food processor with a television screen on the side.

"Wow..." Yuna tapped the machina, eyeing the three buttons labeled "PUSH", "DON'T PUSH", and "PREVIEW".

"Hit PREVIEW! It's shiny!" Rikku squealed.

The three Spiran women eyed the machina with interest as Yuna carefully pushed the sparkly button, and a picture of Rin's Travel Agency with a very familiar cast appeared on the screen.

* * *

There was silence in the Inn. 

"..Tidus? It's your turn."

"Huh? Oh, go fish."

"..We're playing poker, man. You draw, discard—damn it, stop staring at Lulu's breasts!"

Tidus threw up his hands and glared at Wakka. "No way! If I'm gonna disappear at the end of the game, then I'm damn well gonna _enjoy_ myself!"

Collective sighs could be heard from around the room.

"Man...!" Wakka tossed down his cards. "I lost... one freaking pair of threes!"

"Fifth time in a row," Tidus commented, ignoring the piece of paper that was being flicked at him by Yuna in a pathetic attempt at flirting.

"Wow, Wakka," Rikku's eyes widened. "I thought you just sucked at blitzball, but I guess you're really an all-around loser."

Wakka bursted into tears.

"I mean, you attack with a _blitzball_. That'd be like me throwing a football at a lion. It wouldn't hurt him—it'd just piss him off."

Lulu pat Wakka on the back in a comforting gesture.

"What's a football?" Yuna whispered.

Tidus shrugged.

Breaking his vow of never speaking to the rest of the group unless it was absolutely necessary, or in an attempt to act like a bastard, Auron laid down his cards. "Straight flush." Pause. "I'm the man."

Everyone sighed.

Kimahri laid down a royal flush. "_Kimahri_ the man."

* * *

Rikku wiped a tear from her eye. "Good times, good times..." 

"It's Tidus!" Yuna shrieked.

"That skinny blonde kid?" Paine blinked. "Whoa, Rikku. Look! You're wearing clothes!"

Rikku sweat dropped. Yuna had a determined look on her face.

"Rikku, Paine: I have an idea," the gunner announced. "I'm going to travel back in time and bring _you-know-who_ back."

Paine stared. Rikku stared. The time machine began to make weird gurgling noises.

"You can't do that, Yuna," red-eyed warrior sighed. "Seriously. It'd be like grabbing the space time continuum, cramming it into a blender, and pushing puree. We'd all be screwed."

"I don't care! I want my Tidus!" Yuna stomped up to the machine and hit the "PUSH" button.

The reaction was instantaneous. The machina lit up, and colors swirled around the travel agency, light reflecting off of highly polished metal. It all ended when these words appeared on the machine's screen:

"'/0. 1/1/455uP 1-10/1/1135?"

The Gullwings were silent.

"..What's it saying?"

"It must be some complex, futuristic language..."

"I don't care!" Yuna glared. "Take me back two years!"

"/1/0 p120b13/1/1, 1 u1 3."

In one zap of light, Yuna was gone.

For a moment or two after her departure,all was quietas the remaining Gullwings stared blankly at the smoke that was beginning to clear from the machine.

"The time machine's still here," Rikku commented.

"Guess she's stuck there, then."

More silence.

"Oh, no. Yuna hasn't died this chapter," Rikku whispered worriedly to Paine.

"What..?"

"True, she's gone, but... Oh, I don't know."

"..._What?_"

"Well, this is anti-climatic. Not to mention anti-_violent_..."

* * *

**Meanwhile...**

* * *

"Tidus!" Yuna shrieked, lovingly gazing into the startled eyes of Tidus, currently a guardian of... Yuna? 

The entire cast of guardians (and Summoner Yuna) froze in their tracks. Well, card game.

"Oh my God!" Tidus, girly-man, squealed. "It's an evil Yuna clone! Shoot it!"

Nodding, Auron pulled out a Plasma Particle Beam Shooter 2000 that he had swiped from Halo 2 and blasted Yuna square in the chest, sending 90,000 volts of electricity into her and smashing her clear through the wall. She conveniently happened to hit Rin on the way through and he was, unfortunately, also killed on the spot.

"Damn fiends..." Auron muttered, sitting back down and picking up his hand of cards.

The seven resumed their poker game, with FFX's non-lame Yuna reflecting on how cute that evil clone's outfit was, and where could she possibly buy one?

* * *

**The End

* * *

**

I'm not entirely sure if all of the 1337 got in there right, what with shiznit...  
:_points to last word and sniggers violently_:  
Oh, uh, ahem, I meant 'shiat'.

And yeah, I've been disinclined to kill Yuna lately; I've been focusing more on Chocobos due to a _certain mini-game_ in FFX that you need to beat with under 0.0 seconds to receive Tidus's ing Celestial weapon. -.- Screw Tidus, he doesn't need a weapon anyway...

So -**AHEM**- that may account for the less violent death. But I'm sure we'll get back into it... I'm thinking a Yuna VS Lenne Celebrity Death Match o.O


	12. Celebrity DeathMatches are the Shiznit

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Final Fantasy X, Final Fantasy VIII, Celebrity Death Match, or Xena. _Gracías. _

**Author's Note: **_There's a fine line between genius and insanity. Fortunately, I'm nowhere near that line. I'm closer to the divider that goes between incredibly stupid and completely rational for a teenage mind._

_'Cause one thousand ways  
__To get rid of Yuna  
__Will fly your way  
__Even though I can't see  
__I know they're reaching you  
__Suspended on shiny wings  
__do diddle loo do do_

**Uh... violence and language induces me to give this chapter an R rating? XD It's probably not that bad but I dun wanna be booted x.x;;**

Oh, and this chapter is dedicated to **Arianni**.

**

* * *

**

**Way #11 - Celebrity Deathmatch is the Shiznit

* * *

**

"1500 gil on Yuna. Man, she's got some nice–"

"2000 on that other chick. You know, the one with the big–"

"I don't know, dude. They're both, like, identical..."

You know something is wrong with the world when there's a street brawl in the middle of Luca and, instead of breaking it up, the New Yevon and Youth League officials are off in the sidelines, placing bets.

_"...And, in the blue corner, Miss Yuna Braska, former summoner and adamant preacher of..._ stuff_... and _thingsShinra announced into the microphone, glancing at the crowd gathering around the fighters. _"Ladies and gentlemen, this is sure to be _the_ most exciting Celebrity Death Match of the—"_

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Uh-oh. Buddy.

Shinra grimaced. "I was just—"

Tidus stalked up beside the Al Bhed, glaring. "You watch _way _too much TV, little dude."

Shinra sulked.

* * *

_The two opponents circled the ring—Yuna, on one end—and Lenne, in the other._

_Sweat dripped from Yuna's brow, running down her delicate pink skin like shining droplets of unnaturally fresh and perfect smelling rain._

_She menacingly clenched and unclenched her fists, annoying her opponent to no end._

_Her left eye twitched dangerously._

_Lenne scoffed, moving in, and swung, her fist connecting with the ex-summoner's face._

"And Yuna takes a clean hit from Lenne... Oh... She's down!" Shinra paused for dramatic effect, "But not for long, folks!"

_Yuna writhed on the floor—_Oh!_ Was that twist even humanly possible?—and tripped Lenne, who consequentially toppled onto Yuna._

"Lenne! For New Yevon's sake, you're a summoner, don't use that foul language!"

Annoyed, Lenne turned to the speaker and made a hand gesture before returning to the brawl.

Shinra turned to Buddy and raised his middle finger. "What's this mean?"

Eyeing the fight disinterestedly, Tidus caught sight of Shelinda, who was rapidly analyzing the fight and scribbling down notes. Weird...

* * *

"...So then, Leblanc posted a scathing comment on Rikku's livejournal and so she got really pissed off..." 

Tidus _really_ shouldn't have asked Shelinda what this fight was about.

"And so Paine cussed Leblanc out on MSN, and then Lenne was all like, _'Leblanc's the shiznit, let's go kill 'em all_...'"

* * *

_The two ex-summoners were tumbling on the floor, wrestling for the dominant position when Yuna lunged and grabbed a handful of Lenne's hair. The rumbling _RIIIIIP_ could barely be heard over Lenne's undying screams of pain._

_Lenne, holding her head in agony, viciously kicked Yuna off of her, both of the women rising off of the floor._

"Lenne looks furious! Boy, am I glad I'm not her opponent!"

The crowd cheered.

* * *

Buddy shook his head. "Wait, when the hell did Lenne meet Leblanc?" 

"Uh, duh, the farplanes," Tidus rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, they got reconnected on Myspace, though," Shelinda added.

"Never would have thought..."

* * *

_"Ah-ah-uh-ah-uh!" Lenne charged, screaming out her own unique Xena impersonation._

_While Yuna moved into a defensive position, Lenne made a sucessful grab for Yuna's braid._

_"No! Not my beautiful braid! It took me two whole years to grow that!" Yuna cried out._

_The High Summoner's opponent sneered. "Payback time, bitch!" _

_Yuna sharply inhaled as Lenne twisted the braid and kneed her stomach; Yuna crumpled, giving Lenne the opportunity she had been waiting for._

"Oh, folks!" Shinra shouted excitedly. "You've all seen it! Lenne is _swinging_ Yuna by her _braid!_ Ladies and gentlemen, this is... _And Yuna's soaring!_ It seems that the braid has broken off!"

A loud crash could be heard as Yuna went flying out of the ring and into a nearby wall.

* * *

"This book..." Clasko spoke up, alerting the others to his presence in the crowd. "...It's giving me a headache." 

He held up the _Aeneid._

Everyone ignored him.

"So anyway..." Shelinda continued chatting away, "...then Lenne went on Rikku's LiveJournal and spammed there, and then Yuna was all pissed off and went on Lenne's MySpace and _pwned_ her in an argument; then there was this big showdown chatroom on AIM..."

Tidus rose an eyebrow. "AIM _and_ MSN?"

"Dude," Buddy deadpanned, "It's the shiznit to have both."

* * *

_The two rivals were back to circling the ring—Yuna seriously pissed off, and Lenne seriously smug._

_Yuna struck first, lunging, nails out, going straight for Lenne's eyes. At the last second the ex-summoner faked, swerving for one of her opponent's earrings._

"Oh, that looked like it _hurt..._"

_While Lenne clutched the side of her head, Yuna nimbly tackled the diva back to the ground and punched, knocking one of her front teeth._

"A clean hit!"

_Blood spurting from her mouth, Lenne spit the tooth into Yuna's eye._

"Yeee-owch!"

* * *

All eyes were glued on the fight. 

Except for Shelinda's.

"So yeah, anyway, now Lenne and Yuna are having a showdown."

Tidus momentarily darted his eyes away from the fight. "I thought this was between Rikku and Leblanc?"

Shelinda shrugged. "Well, they didn't show."

* * *

**Meanwhile...**

* * *

Leblanc and Rikku were at the cafe in Luca, enjoying two caramel lattes and chatting away, mostly about how hot Noojie and Gippal were. 

"I can't believe those two got so worked up over that little fight," Leblanc commented, sipping her beverage.

Rikku nodded. "Yeah, and to think Lenne was so upset over Yuna's comment on her hair..."

Well, that was pretty low," Leblanc admitted. "I mean, come on. Lenne's hair is the shiznit."

_

* * *

__As Yuna vainly struggled to see through the blood oozing out of her left eye, Lenne swiped her opponent's feet out from under her. The singer attempted to rise, but Yuna wasn't having any of that._

"OHH! And Yuna took a clean chunk right out of her leg! If that's not cannibalism, folks, I don't know what is!"

_Lenne crumpled. Yuna hunched over her, raising two of her fingers and positioned them over her head—the Summoner swiftly jammed them into Lenne's eyes..._

* * *

"_OOOHHHH!_" The crowd flinched. 

Tidus ran a few feet from the brawl and threw up.

"YEAH, LET THAT BITCH HAVE IT, YEAH!" Shelinda screamed, "wOOt"ing.

Everyone else stared in shock; Tidus's ears started bleeding.

* * *

_The songstress, flat on the ground, attempted to wipe the blood from her eyes as Yuna hovered over her, eyes glinting dangerously._

_"You..." Yuna stepped on Lenne's neck. "That's the _last_–"—she stepped down harder—"–time you say that Shuyin pwns Tidus on Rikku's livejournal _ever_ again."_

* * *

"Didn't _Leblanc_ say that?" Tidus wondered aloud (Buddy and Shinra had gotten bored and wandered off). 

Shelinda shrugged.

* * *

_Yuna, giving Lenne one last crunch on the neck for good measure, stepped back and withdrew her Celestial weapon Nirvana (The easiest weapon to get, it's sad...) and smirked. _

_Raising her weapon, she gave it a little twirl. Nirvana instantly transformed into a Pokéball. _

_"Go Alexander! I CHOOSE YOU!"_

* * *

"Weak, dude. Alexander's not even in Final Fantasy X." 

"I know, that's totally lame. Alexander was the shiznit."

* * *

After the summoning, Lenne exploded. 

Alexander's shiny-ness was just too much for her to handle.

"Yay! I win!" Yuna clapped her hands gleefully.

Shelinda walked up to her, congratulated the Gullwing, and handed her a potion.

Yuna gave a cheesy smile. "Only 67 more side quests to go!"

Scanning the crowd, Yuna's face lighted up as soon as she spotted her darling Tidus.

The brunette ran up to her boyfriend. "Tidus, I won, honey! I—"

She stopped mid-sentence. Her face began turning a horrid shade of blue.

"Oh no!" Shelinda gasped. "I think she's having an allergic reaction!"

Yuna dropped to the floor, gasping for air before writhing pathetically in the dirt with seizure-like motions.

"Allergic? To what?"

Shinra glanced at the blonde blitzball player. "I think it's Tidus' self-tanning spray."

Yuna's eyes widened momentarily before her body jerked, and then went still.

Tidus blinked. "Shit."

* * *

**The End**

* * *


	13. YuRiPa's Epic Gamecube Adventure

**Disclaimer:** Don't own Zelda, or Nintendo, or Shadow of the Colossus, or Final Fantasy X, or... Oh, or Squaresoft and whatever else...

**A/N:** Thanks for the reviews last chapter—**Arianni, backstreethanyou, Tollivandi Silverwing, kara, Karin Starsen, SojiShoma, Little Pyrefly, Shaydray, Empatheia, Shi-Sha Hariken, Perfect Yet Broken, Nikki of Spira, Auron's Fan**—you're all the shiznit. Erm, whatever that means.

**

* * *

Way #12 - YuRiPa's Epic Gamecube Adventure

* * *

**

_Ribbit. Ribbit. Ribbit._

_Plop._

"Yeowch."

Rikku flinched, wincing as Yuna pranced down the airship's ramp, successfully squashing a very startled, bright green member of the amphibian _Ranidae_ family.

The gunner's eyelashes fluttered daintily as she tutted and stepped out of the frog guts, distractedly wiping her boots on the grass beneath.

"Did you get the new mission, Yunie?" Rikku questioned excitedly, jiggling a bit.

Yuna grinned. "Yes! I'll read it aloud, but first–where's Paine?"

"Oh. _Her_," Rikku motioned with her hand disinterestedly. "She went to find some more rocks."

"Rocks?"

"Yeah, we were..."—Rikku eyed the newly formed frog pancake—"...meh, it doesn't matter, nothing to hurl 'em at now anyway..."

* * *

"..What did you say we were searching for?" 

"Yeah... wait, what? We're looking for something?"

Yuna shut her eyes and counted backward from ten. Really, those two could be incredibly aggravating. Straightening out the letter in her hand, the gunner cleared her throat.

"We must locate and retrieve the _Dark Amulet of Destruction that is Dark!_"

Silence.

"..Why?"

Lady Yuna rolled her eyes. "_Because,_ then we'll be able to selflessly deliver it to the village elder of a forgotten town hidden for hundreds of years in the depths of the Calm Lands gorge, who will then be able to use it to defeat the great demonic dragon, which has been stealing all of their Shoopuf eggs—"

"Shoopufs lay eggs?" Rikku whispered.

Paine shrugged.

"Mister wise village elder man will then reward us with two shiny potions—"

"SHINY!"

"—which we shall then pour all over the giant golden oak tree of everlasting venial sins—"

"..Where the hell is that?"

"—which will then catch on fire, spiral out of control and promptly explode."

Blink, blink. Yawn.

"The explosion will then reveal an incredibly dark, freaky cave that leads underground into an unfathomably huge maze. After a long, grueling process, during which one of my boot heels will break off and the two of you will endure an insufferable hour of my whining, a taskmaster will be patiently waiting at the end—"

"Yunie," Rikku interrupted, "my head's going to explode if you keep talking."

Paine nodded. "Yeah, I zoned out after that tree part."

Yuna sighed.

"So," the Al Bhed stretched, "What's our reward for all of this?"

"_Zelda: Twilight Princess_ for Gamecube! Yay!"

There was a calm, undisturbed moment before the Pa of YRP frowned.

"..But we don't have a Gamecube."

Yuna simply smiled. "And that brings us to our SECOND quest..."

* * *

"Die, die, die! Evil zombie scum from—aww, hell..." 

The infamous "YOU LOSE" background music could be heard emitting from a television in the Celsius.

"Hah! My turn!" Rikku yanked the controller from Paine's stiff grip, the previously identified warrior twitching uncontrollably.

"Lame. Lame. Lame."—twitch—"Weak. Lame." Twitch, twitch.

"You've gotta admit it, Paine," Rikku gloated, "No one can beat me at the _Ocarina of Time_."

"Says the girl who ran away from the redeads screaming her head off," Paine bit back.

Rikku successfully tuned her out.

* * *

After roughly an hour—in which RiPa stared blankly at a heart piece on the screen, used every item in Link's inventory in a vain attempt to retrieve it, only to fail miserably, cave in, and consult a game FAQ—Buddy and Shinra entered from the Bridge. 

"Video games. How juvenile," Shinra commented.

"Oh, of course, Pokémon mas-"

Buddy's arm, meet Shinra's sharp, shiny baby teeth.

"Ow."

"Quiet! You're ruining my concentration!" Rikku screeched.

Buddy gave the two females a skeptical glance. "Shouldn't you two be helping Yuna with that side quest?"

The two female Gullwings gawked. Rikku's controller clattered to the floor as she dropped it in shock.

"What are you talking about? We we only show up for cut scenes and battles."

"Yeah," Rikku nodded. "I'm not wandering around Mi'ihen Highroad looking for some stupid golden branch. That's what Yuna's for."

"..Right.." Buddy and Shinra exchanged a _look_.

* * *

**Meanwhile...**

* * *

"Five steps to the right... Two back... Seven northwest... _Ah-ha!_" Yuna cried triumphantly as she reached out and grasped a golden stick. "I found you, ya lil' bugger!" 

Pause.

"...Um. Hmm. Now what was I supposed to do with this thing again?"

**

* * *

Two Weeks Later

* * *

**

Yuna flew through the entrance to the Celsius, screeching and decked with an elixir, two mega-potions and her very own hard earned copy of the _Twilight_ _Princess_.

"Rikku! Paine! Shinra! Whoever else onboard! I'm back!"

There was no answer. The brunette's panting slowed to a halt as she dejectedly glanced around the bridge, searching for some sign, any sign, of intelligent life.

Well, there was Shinra's pet hamster Joe, but he didn't count. At least, Yuna _thought_ he didn't count. Being the silly little girl she was, the notion that Joe was housing diabolical schemes of world destruction and the creation of a new strain of anthrax never even crossed her mind. Alas, she had much more... _important_ things to worry about.

"They must be in the Game Room," Yuna pondered aloud before determinedly setting off towards the elevator.

And don't kid yourself, for indeed, the Celsius_ did_ have a Game Room. After giving Leblanc that little "massage" one chapter, Yuna had wasted an entire five hours playing _Pong_ in a vain attempt to recuperate while Rikku made rude comments about Paine's sexual orientation. ("I _saw_ the way you were eyeing Leblanc! Don't deny it, Paine!")("Is that jealousy I'm sensing?") (Slap, slap.)

As the door to the Celsius' Game Room opened, onlyShinra was able to successfully tear his eyes away from the screen.

"Oh, Yuna? We'd thought you'd have died by now..."

"Yunie's alive?" Rikku offhandedly threw out, her palms sweaty from grippingher controller.

Yuna, for her part, didn't respond, because currently loaded into their new Gamecube was another copy of _Zelda: Twilight Princess_.

The gunner was, in all senses of the word, heartbroken.

"But wha... why?" Her eyes fogged up. "I spent all of that time..."

"Yeah, well you took too long, and since we're so used to instant gratification, we decided just go buy TP and a Gamecube."

"Aww, don't look so down, Yunie," Rikku tossed her the controller. "You wanna play?"

Yuna chucked her own copy of the game onto the floor. "Okay!"

* * *

"Go left, Paine, damn it! No, not THAT way... huh? Yunie?" 

Rikku tapped her cousin on the shoulder.

"...Yunie?"

"Oh shit, Rikku, she's having a seizure!"

And indeed, Yuna was vehemently convulsing, drool running down the side of her chin.

"What do we do? I didn't know Yunie was epileptic!"

Paine shrugged and returned to the game.

"Oh well..."

Unfortunately for Yuna, no one on the Celsius noticed her breathing come to a halt until Buddy asked her to go heat up some popcorn and grab him a beer.

* * *

**The End

* * *

**

**A/N:**

**Q**: Why wasn't Brother in this new installment?  
**A**: Buddy killed him, severed his limbs, and stored his body parts in the fridge with Barkeep's booze.

**Q**: Why would Buddy do that?  
**A**: He's actually a cannibal.

**Q**: Oh, that makes sense. Will Joe ever be making an appearance in later chapters?  
**A**: ..Joe? Who's that?

**Q**: Never mind. You're really looking forward to that new Zelda game, aren't you?  
**A**: More than I'd ever look forward to any Kingdom Hearts sequel.

**Q**: Oooh, let's hope no fanboys read that. What about Myspace? Have you got an account?  
**A**: No. In fact, I'd slit my wrists before ever even considering creating one.


	14. Catcher Chocobos and One Big Katamari

**Disclaimer**: Rawrz. I do not own Final Fantasy X, Final Fantasy X-2, Squaresoft, We Love Katamari, or South Park. Thank you and have a nice and shiny day.

**Author's Note**: Eh e.e... Author's Note... Uh... hi :-D I don't have anything to say :DDD Except thank you for the reviews, and yeah, I'll acknowledge everyone someday, someday, someday... And those ideas will be used... -.x

* * *

**Way #13 - Catcher Chocobos and a Really Big Katamari  
**

* * *

"Hi there! Want to ride a chocobo?"

Tidus trembled at the sound of her voice. Yuna fainted. Paine didn't catch her.

Rikku started singing _Somewhere Over the Rainbow_.

Yes, it was time for Catcher Chocobo: the ultimate mini-game, created by sadistic, cranky old men bent on the destruction of video game perfectionists.

"Honey?" Tidus bent down, gently shaking Yuna. "You ready to race?"

"Eh..?" Yuna opened her eyes. "But aren't _you_ going to..?"

Tidus scoffed. "I'm not even a playable character this time around. How am I _supposed_ to race?"

"Uh, buttercup.." the ex-summoner hiccuped, "I think you've gotten the FFX/X-2 timelines a little mixed up here. I mean, this mini-game isn't even supposed to exist anymore..."

"Yeah!" Rikku chipped in. "And plus, in FFX, Paine hasn't even been born yet! And she's right here!"

"..Right, Rikku. Right." Paine sighed.

Collecting up every spare ounce of bravery that he had, Tidus approached the trainer. "Let Yuna train one."

"Eh?"

"Alright. You," the trainer pointed at Yuna, "Come with me."

Yuna nodded and began to follow as the lady walked off, leading her Chocobo by the reins.

"Oh!" She gasped. "Wait, hold on a second!"

Yuna turned to her three companions and fished around in her item inventory for a bit before pulling out three Pokéballs.

"Rikku, return! Tidus, Paine, return!"

After the three were safely tucked away, Yuna continued to follow the lady in the huge yellow overcoat.

* * *

Two seconds and one catchy Chocobo theme song later, Yuna and the Chocobo trainer were out in the middle of the Calm Lands preparing for the battle of their lives.

"You ready?" The lady questioned.

"As ready as ever."

"Your cheerleaders ready?"

"Uh, hold on," Yuna paused. "Rikku, Tidus, Paine! I choose you! ..Er, guys!"

Insert bright flash of light here.

"Okay, ready!"

"CATCHER CHOCOBO! COMMENCING—"

"ON YOUR MARKS—"

"GET SET—"

"—GO!"

* * *

**One Hour Later**

* * *

_"Don't give up! Someday you'll hold the record."_

"One more time!"

* * *

**Two Hours Later**

* * *

"Can't we just _customize_ his God damn weapon!" Paine complained, braiding Rikku's hair for the third time while Tidus continued to cheer on Yuna.

"Of course not. Ultimate Weapons cut through the enemy's defense," Tidus rolled his eyes.

"Who fucking cares?"

"Nothing relieves stress like convincing a cult to commit mass suicide," Rikku chirped happily.

"...What?"

"Well, playing Candy Land works too."

_"Don't give up! Someday you'll hold the record."_

"One more time!"

All three Spirans sighed.

* * *

**Three Hours Later**

* * *

"Gah!" Yuna shrieked, jumping off of her Chocobo and pulling out a tuft of brown hair. "This is ridiculous!"

She stomped over to the others and promptly sat down in the grass, where _Rikku_ was now unsuccessfully trying to braid _Paine's_ hair.

Tidus stared at Yuna.

Yuna stared back.

Five minutes into their staring contest and extremely annoyed, Yuna turned to face Rikku. "You know what? I don't think it's me, I think it's Tidus. He's an asshole."

"A-ano?"

"Why am I trying to get your dumb weapon anyway?"

"Two years ago, you were nice, caring, "Honey, I baked some blueberry muffins!" wife material. I was perfectly content to do the Chocobo racing. But now that you've gone all _Tomb Raider_ on me, you better damn well be willing to hold up your part of the fights, bitch."

* * *

**Four Hours Later  
**

* * *

"You know," Rikku commented as she worked on braiding Tidus's hair (while Paine held him down), "I think the only thing keeping her going is the fact that the trainer sucks as much as she does."

"Think she's getting anywhere?"

"Maybe..."

_Yuna flew down the Calm Lands path, the trainer about fifty feet ahead of her. She was about to reach another red balloon, when suddenly—_

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom.

Yeowch.

"You know," Yuna whimpered to herself, "Right now I'm just happy knowing that my personal record is four consecutive hits by seagulls. If it ever reaches five, I think I'm going to cry."

Two minutes later, Yuna is suicide bombed by five apparently blind seagulls.

The ex-summoner bursted into tears.

"..Or maybe not."

**

* * *

Five Hours Later**

* * *

Yuna's face was red, her left eye was twitching, and she was quickly striding over to her group of friends, a murderous expression on her face. 

Tidus looked incredibly nervous.

"So wait... the Trainer has the Sigil, right?" He gulped. "Can't we just threaten her or kill her or something? Blackmail? Anything?"

Neither of the girls could respond before Yuna had reached them.

"You know what? This God damn fucking mini-game is fucking hard enough without the fucking trainer there to fucking steal all of the God damn fucking balloons on top of the fucking seagulls fucking hitting me every FUCKING GOD DAMN TEN SECONDS!"

Huff, huff.

Dot. Dot. Dot.

Before Tidus could attempt to calm his current love interest, the Chocobo trainer could be heard from a ways away: _"Don't give up. Someday you'll hold the record!"_

"You know what? FUCK YOU, TRAINER, and FUCK YOU, TIDUS! YOU SUCK! I'M GLAD YOU DIED AT THE END OF THE GAME! YOU'RE A LOSER!" Yuna stomped off.

"Wait, what did _I_ do?"

The gunner didn't hear him as she angrily strode away. Tidus started to chase after her, but stopped abruptly, because one second later she was run over by something... really, really big.

_"I AM MISTER SUNSHINE!_

_DU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NA KATAMARI DAMACY_

_NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA NA_

_KATAMARI ON THE SWING!"_

That's right.

It's shiny. It's colorful. It's got random household appliances sticking out of it: IT'S A GIANT KATAMARI!

After rolling up Yuna, the katamari just kept going and going.. until it was yanked from the ground into the sky by a ginormous _thing_ in tights. Note the mustache, the toupee, the goatee, and the magnificent Chin.

His name: King Cosmos.

Rikku and Paine weren't impressed. Tidus, however, was groveling and making signs of the cross.

"Hmm..." King Cosmos tossed the katamari into the air and caught it, "This katamari is _sooooo_ small! Why, what a joke!" He snapped his fingers. "I know! Stardust!"

Pop.

The entire Katamari—including Yuna—disappeared in a flash of sparkly, shiny stuff.

Pause.

"Oh my God!" Paine shouted. "King Cosmos killed Yuna!"

Rikku glared. "You _bastard!"_

* * *

**The End**


	15. Lectures, Suicide, and Slander

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Final Fantasy X-2... Or Castlevania IV, or Super Mario Brothers.

**Author's Note**: This one is long OO! Eeep! Thank you for the reviews for last chapter. As in... iheartmwpp, DarkKnightRikku, Dragon Girl323, Tollivandi Silverwing, PlastikPeridot, Diamond Mask, kara, Anasazi Darkmoon, Mpathy, Real-fan05, Karin Starsen, Crazy Rikku Fan, Shadow Bladesman, Spuffy on Hiatus, Shadray, Gaara's Osaka, Nikki of Spira, Songstress910, horsie890, Auron's Fan, and my little sis KAwaiiYunafan. xD

* * *

**Way #14 - Lectures, Suicide, and Slander

* * *

**

Yuna was in pure agony. It was as if someone had grabbed hold of her heart and ripped it apart, and now all that was left was an uneven hole situated in her heart, in her very soul. A dam seemed to burst within her, and a flood of tears gushed from her eyes, an aching loss clearly visible.

Clutching the fabric by her heart in a vice grip, Yuna slammed open the door and flew through into the Celsius's game room, tears still pouring down as she located her fellow Gullwings.

"T-Tidus _dumped_ me!" Yuna sobbed.

Rikku and Paine—who were crashed out on the couch, playing Super Mario Brothers on the SNES—glanced at their melodramatic friend.

"Well, he didn't exactly reply with an 'I love you too, sweetie' at the end of FFX," Rikku stated blandly.

"..Yuna only said that in the English dub, you know.." Paine whispered into the Al Bhed's ear.

Yuna ignored them. "My life is _OVER!_" Mascara was running down her face.

"Suckage." Paine didn't bother to unglue her eyes from the screen.

Rikku clutched the remote controller, turned up the volume, and promptly began humming the Mario theme song. "Do da do do _do_ da do, do _do _da do _do _do do da do _doooo_..."

Watching her two comrades, Yuna momentarily stopped crying to stare at the television screen skeptically. "You guys are still on the first world? You've been playing that stupid game for_ days!_"

"Yeah.. we've restarted, like, twenty times..." Paine slurred, the woman apparently a bit _out of it._

As Paine finished talking, Rikku violently smashed buttons on her controller and Mario blew up the castle whilst rescuing the first Yoshi egg.

Rikku and Paine stared at the screen in awe. "Whoaaa..."

"..This game is so awesome.."

Yuna stared at the screen, and then back at the video game junkies. "..Are you two high on cough medicine again?"

Paine bristled. "Psh, of course not..." She replied indignantly while discreetly tucking a bottle of -something- under the couch cushion.

"And—hey, what happened to the TV?" Yuna pointed to their old plasma that was discarded because of a giant crack running through the center.

Rikku glanced at Paine, who conveniently found a stain in the carpet to examine. "Er, we were playing Castlevania IV, and Paine demonstrated how well she was capable of keeping her temper in check."

Yuna blinked.

"In my defense," Paine began, "I just couldn't get past that one part.. you know.. with the snakes.. and they're like.. falling from the ceiling...?"

Yuna continued to stare blankly at her.

"...Never mind."

In the following minutes, Yuna haughtily declared that Rikku and Paine needed to stop playing that retarded game so that she could crash out and watch sappy soap operas while downing a bunch of chocolate.

When the controller was violently snatched out of Rikku's hands and the console turned off, Rikku broke into tears.

Under normal circumstances, someone would have slapped her, but Paine was currently high and Yuna's mood was giving a new definition to the term "PMS".

"Get off the couch!" Yuna ordered, situating herself between the two other Gullwings and elbowing them until they moved–or fell off. "And get me some chocolate!"

Yuna switched to cable and began flicking through channels until she landed on _Bevelle: Life and Love, _which promptly went on a commercial break the moment she sat back.

"God damn it... I fucking hate commercials!" She chucked the remote at the television.

Yuna directed a death glare at the TV as she surrendered to the will of the Almighty television.

"Open Air. The air that makes you.. feel... airy."  
"Did you know that Argent _lies_ to you?"  
"They charge an extra 200 gil per game!"  
"They support the murder of baby monkeys!"  
"Join Open Air today!"

Commercial end.

There was silence in the room.

Rikku, from her position on the floor, nearly broke into tears again. "They... murder... baby monkeys?"

"...I suddenly have a new goal in life." Yuna stood up, a determined glint in her eyes. "We must join Open Air! DOWN WITH ARGENT INCORPORATED!"

* * *

**Meanwhile...**

* * *

Baralai was situated in a beat down office, papers everywhere, making frantic phone calls. 

"Harry... did you get in touch with— No, we ordered the _red_ ones. Not the blue ones—Open Air uses blue, you ingrate. ...Did you print out the fliers— damn it, man! I should fire your ass!" The praetor hung up, dialed in another number and began shouting more angry orders into the cellphone.

The other two men in the room didn't seem to be doing anything to help their partner. Nooj was staring at the wall, looking angsty and depressed, while Gippal was sitting at a table, finger painting a bunch of signs that said things like, "Get your ARGENT on!" and "Open Air sucks!".

The atmosphere of the room was broken when a man slammed open the door, clearly out of breath, and fixed Baralai with a wild look. "Yuna has publicly announced that she supports Open Air!"

There was silence in the room following this declaration. Baralai even momentarily stopped yelling out orders on his phone.

"...My God," the said praetor was in shock. "This means _war!"_

* * *

Luca. 

Yuna on a mission plus Luca equalled something _not_ good.

"I lost 30 pounds with Open Air!"

The plump woman that Yuna had approached just stared.

"If you're lucky, you might even lose 50! You totally need it."

The woman's eyes widened. "How dare—"

Yuna cut her off. "I'm not trying to be insulting, honey. I just want to see you happy! And you can't possibly be happy now, right?

The woman glared. "I'm very happy."

"No you're not."

"Yes, I—"

The lady was interrupted again. "Baralai's working at Argent. Did you know that? You're against New Yevon, aren't you? Aren't you? Did you know that he gained _twenty_ pounds over there?"

The woman just sighed.

"You don't want to get fatter, right? All you have to do is join Open Air, so that I win and Baralai loses. That way I don't have to send out Paine to murder your family and burn your house down. Okay?"

"W-what? O-okay.."

"Great!"

**

* * *

**

Kilika.

Gippal was scouting for victims to coerce onto the side of Argent. He smirked when his eyes landed on the nearest man, decked out in colorful garbs, buff but not as pumped up as Barthello.

Perfect.

Gippal strode over to the man.

"Would you like to hear about Argent, Inc.?" He wrapped his arm around the man's shoulders.

"Uh, what are you doing?"

"You think you wanna play there, huh? Doesn't Argent, Inc. make you hot?"

The man stared at Gippal.

"..I'm a guy."

"Right."

"Get off of me."

"You'll play at Argent?"

"Sure, whatever, just get the hell off of me!"

"Sweet!"

**

* * *

**

YuRiPa and the three stooges were all present in the Calm Lands on the day of the "election" (Which game would win? WHICH?).

The old lady from an Argent/Open Air stand was diligently counting up members and profits.

Everyone was quiet and earnestly awaiting the results.

When she finished, the old lady shook her head. "It's a tie."

"Whaaat? How the hell?" Gippal scoffed.

Baralai threw up his arms. "We're the leaders of Spira! We're supposed to win, not some whiny singing _girl!"_

"But I'm Yuna!" the ex-summoner pouted. "Everyone loves me!"

"Bull shit!" Baralai glared.

"Shut up! I saved Spira from Sin! And you guys just got your asses kicked by Vegnagun. How pathetic can you get?"

**

* * *

**

As Baralai and Yuna spiraled into a yelling match, Rikku and Gippal edged away from the two incredibly scary religious figures.

"Ugh... boy, that Sky Slots game is really addicting. I'm down 10,000 gil," Rikku commented, attempting to make conversation and keep the peace between groups.

"Yeah... I'm down... 2,000,000 gil..." Gippal shook nervously.

Rikku's eyes nearly popped out of her head. "_2,000,000 gil?"_

"What? Blame Lupine Dash! I'm a gambling addict!"

Rikku rubbed her temples as Gippal nearly broke down.

"Uh, Gippal.. just fight fiends until you win it back!"

"I would, but I have no talent." Gippal sighed. "I can't even aim straight."

Rikku sweat dropped and fell over anime style. When the Al Bhed 'princess' recovered, Gippal promptly grabbed Rikku's hands and looked deeply into her eyes.

"You gotta lend me some cash! I swear I'll pay you back!"

* * *

"Well, there's only one solution," Yuna announced, but went completely unnoticed because Baralai was back on his cell phone handing out orders to his lackeys, clearly angry with the results, Nooj was sulking and staring off moodily into the distance, and Gippal was still shaking and looking extremely nervous. 

"You three–" Yuna stretched her index finger forward at the former Crimson Squad members menacingly, "–have just got to forfeit."

Baralai was momentarily torn from his cell phone.

"What?! Why?" the praetor glared. "Never!"

Yuna sighed in response to Baralai's defiant gaze. "Baralai... if Argent wins, guess what mini-game will be added?"

No one made any move to answer.

"Feed the Monkey."

There was more silence.

"Yeah, that's what I thought."

Rikku was torn out of her "FTW?" state and threw Gippal's hands away from her. "Huh? What's Feed the Monkey?"

"You... feed.. a monkey."

Rikku blinked. "That's a game?"

There was silence.

Baralai glared at the Gullwings, bristling. "Oh, shut the hell up."

The praetor stomped off away from the group, apparently pouting—and stopped a good twenty feet away, following Nooj's example of staring off into the distance.

After a moment or two of deep concentration, Baralai tossed his phone over his shoulders and rejoined the group. "I will not be responsible for bringing that sad excuse of a game into existence. I'll forfeit."

"Yay!" Yuna squealed.

"Hey!" Gippal glared indignantly, grabbing hold of Nooj's arm. "We're in charge too! We've gotta _agree_ on those sorts'a decisions!"

Baralai ignored him.

Yuna ignored him.

The old lady counting the profits ignored him. "Argent forfeits! Gull Force is now available!"

* * *

"Die! Die you suns of–" Bang, bang. "_Sweeeet!"_

Paine was playing Gull Force. And we all know that shooting birds is way more entertaining than feeding monkeys.

Bang. "Fuckers! Aha!"

Especially Paine.

Watching her were Yuna and Rikku, happily eating ice cream cones. Gippal was still trailing after Rikku and begging her for money.

Rikku ignored him.

Wandering over to the trio was Maechen, the only really old guy able to hack up one of his lungs in a particularly violent coughing session and still look around condescendingly at the rest of Spira.

With his "I am God and you are all little ants" perspective on life, it wasn't surprising when he stopped next to Yuna and began to lecture her on slander.

"I saw... those commercials... always.. demeaning Argent... did you know that slander caused the war of 1812..?"

Stare.

"I mean... 812.. yes, 200 years before the war between Zanarkand and Bevelle..."

Three hours later, Yuna exclaimed that she couldn't take any more history lessons from this memory deficient, arrogant asshole and that she was bored to tears and would rather kill herself, ect., ect.

Then the summoner turned gunner promptly pulled out her guns and shot herself in the head.

There was a slight pause as Rikku realized that she had gained all of Yuna's inheritance. Now she had so much money that she could easily lend Gippal some cash, and still afford a Wii!

And everyone would be happy.

..Except for Yuna, who was dead.

* * *

**The End**

* * *


	16. SOS at Macalania Temple

**A/N: **Sorry about my long absence... I, uh... I died. And it took me a long time to find a computer in hell, not to mention an internet connection...  
That's mostly all I have to say... mostly._

* * *

__Date:???  
__Time:???_

_A tunnel of ice.  
__Cold. Dark. Desolate._

_Five minutes have passed since Tidus, Rikku and I had dared to venture through the foreboding doors shielding Macalania Temple from its own Cloister of Trials._

_It began as a simple quest, but quickly turned into something none of us could have imagined..._

_I fear we will not survive this journey. _

* * *

Only their ragged breaths and the sound of their footsteps echoing against the narrow chamber walls could be heard—until the unearthly shattering of cracked ice falling and vanishing into thin air in front of their very eyes.

"Yunie-la, our way out—the path—it's gone!" Rikku gasped, her eyes widening.

Tidus placed a hand on the Al Bhed's shoulder in a comforting gesture. "That's no good..."

"Oh man oh man oh man, what are we going to do, Yunie-la?"

"Uh, Yuna?"

"Yunie, what the heck? Put that book away!"

Yuna glanced up at her cousin in annoyance, huffing impatiently. "It's not a book, Rikku-wa, it's a _travel log_. Duh." The brunette had temporarily kneeled down and was rapidly scribbling into a notebook of sorts.

"But Yuna, we like... just got here," Tidus pointed out skeptically.

She conveniently ignored him.

* * *

_Date:???  
Time:???_

_"Lady Yuna, my cousin, how are we to cross...? This mayhap be the end for us...!"_

_I glanced around the chamber with a look of steely determination in my beautiful multicolored eyes. "There must be some mysterious force at work... But hear me, ye foul Cloisters! We shall persevere and overcome all obstacles in our path!" I challenged courageously._

_As I had shouted out my statement, a large ice crystal from above had broken free from the harsh grip of the ceiling, and plummeted towards the large chamber below, flying past not more than two feet from us!_

_Rikku clenched her fists. "The Cloisters are watching our every move!"_

_"But they shall not get the better of us, my dear cousin," I reassured her. _

* * *

Rikku was spaced out, humming softly to herself, while Tidus attempted to snatch Yuna's travel log from her hands. She was having none of it, though.

"No more fooling around! We must move onward!"

Rikku rolled her eyes. "We weren't the ones sitting on the floor and doodling, y'know."

"Come on," Tidus took the initiative and walked a few paces forward. Glancing to the left, he grinned. "Oh, hey, a way down."

* * *

_Date:???  
Time:???_

_"Our next destination lies far below us. It is the only option we have."_

_Rikku's brow was creased, and she chewed her lower lip in a nervous rhythm. "But how are we to descend, my cousin?"_

_I lowered my head, shielding my downcast eyes from view. "I know not..." _

_In a moment of clarity, I jerked my head towards the left, and lo! "Rikku, behold! A path lies ahead!"_

_"Oh, Yuna!" Tidus, in a fit of emotion, embraced me from behind. "You are brilliant, absolutely brilliant! Let us venture forward, my love!"_

* * *

"Yunie-la, so like, are you done writing in your travel log yet?"

"Yeah, you keep stopping to do that every five freaking minutes..."

* * *

—5 hours and 12 minutes later—

* * *

A film of frozen sweat covered Tidus's face. As his eyes lifted towards the ceiling, he stumbled slightly and reflexively repositioned his body to catch the airborne Macalania sphere coming towards him. 

"You know," Tidus commented offhandedly, "Monkey-in-the-middle isn't very fun when the monkey isn't trying to catch the ball."

Both blondes glared at Yuna.

Using her highly tuned sixth sense to recognize that she was being glared at (since her sense of hearing was highly lacking), Yuna raised her eyes to meet Tidus's gaze.

* * *

_Date:???  
__Time:???_

_Our only hope was about to plummet down into the abyss below._

_That simple yet delicate Macalania sphere... absolutely essential to our journey, to our success, to our very survival, and yet it so coldly and unfeelingly flew away from our clutches. _

_As leader, I made a crucial decision, perhaps marking the end of one of our lives._

_"Rikku, you must sacrifice yourself to save the sphere! It is for the good of the troop!" I pleaded with her, my heart aching. _

_However... Her own heart held an unforgivable weakness: fear. I looked toward my lover, and his face held the same unmistakeable sign. _

_I had no choice._

_I readied myself to give chase towards the flying sphere, a predator seeking its airborne prey, no hope of success... _

* * *

Yuna had done a lot of stupid things in the past, so Rikku and Tidus weren't really that surprised when she chucked herself off of the edge of the platform. There was a loud _splat _after about ten seconds, followed by silence. It was even more ridiculous considering the sphere had managed to land above them, on the part of the path above that wasn't broken.

"Dammit, _now who's going to be the monkey_?!" Rikku sighed.

"You guys suck. I've already been in and out of here."

Both Tidus's and Rikku's heads shot up towards the sound of the voice.

"Yaaay, Paine-la!"

The red-eyed woman was standing above them, her foot resting against the Macalania sphere and her arms crossed.

Tidus glanced at Rikku with a dubious expression plastered across his face. "Stupid temple. Stupid, stupid trials. Why were we even here again?"

Rikku pinched his arm and grinned at him. "For the super special prizes that you can get by revisiting all of the temples, dummy! Speaking of which..." She turned her eyes on Paine. "Gimme, gimme, gimme!"

Shrugging, she tossed a luck sphere to Rikku. "I don't even know what that is."

"Paine," Tidus began warily. "If you're here... then this is way after Sin... and we're in Macalania Temple... and it's... this makes absolutely no sense."

Paine raised an eyebrow. "Since when has this story ever been canon?"

"Touché, Paine. Touché."

Turning away from the two women, he spotted something out of the corner of his eye. "Oh, no..." He knelt down and picked the item up off of the floor. "Yuna's travel log..."

Rikku took the notebook from his grip. "Should we throw it down? She might want to write about this."

* * *

**A/N:** Erm, don't ask about the "-la"s. e.e 

But I'll give a lolipop to whoever can tell me where they're from. XD


End file.
